Written by The Scribbler

It’s that time again, people; a time for outrageous prizes and their equally outrageous price tags!  Whether you’re itching to mount a Dollar General-quality clock in the grand foyer or spend $2400 on a camping chair, you’re sure to find a treasure here that’ll both tickle your fancy and blow your budget into bite-sized pieces!

Same rules as before, friends; while I haven’t covered every single prize offered, I’ve listed each prize’s wholesale level (the amount of ordered inventory needed to acquire each), followed by the ACTUAL price of the item (based on Google searches that used the item’s brand and/or description).  If you’re good, you’ll get a website address so you can “go-give” yourself an early Christmas present!

1800 Sapphire:  First up is a leather zippered notebook organizer/datebook cover combo from the exclusive Business by Design Collection.  Instead of dropping $1800 on something that resembles a Polly Pocket Wardrobe Caddy, head over to Levenger.com, where you’ll find the full-grain Circa leather portfolio priced at $118 – quality craftsmanship and guaranteed not to fly apart the second you throw it at Director Snodbottom’s head.  How very classy of her to help herself to your spare pair of Sheer Energies at Seminar last year; never mind that you take a size B and Snodbottom takes a triple Q, by golly, she found a way and made a way.  You’ll never forget the pity you felt deep down when you found your hose – bloated and shapeless – on the bathroom floor on Day 3.  Swing low, sweet chariot; swing low.

If leather office gear isn’t your thing, perhaps your tastes run more towards “plastic clock painted to look like wood!”  The Decorative Wall Clock is genuine “polyurethane with a faux wood-grain finish.”  I found a beauty on presidentschoice.ca for $12.99, framed in faux python leather!   Next time someone in your upline has a sleepover, be sure to tap/knock on any overly-extravagant looking clocks.  The hollow sound you hear could make your having to sleep in Pam Shaw’s bathtub completely worthwhile.

2400 Ruby:  Look, you’re going to be paying $2400 for the Conair Lighted Makeup Mirror, so you’d best demand that it come with a few extras.  Like the tortured souls of a thousand disembodied slaves.  Why, just think of the ways a consultant could use her ghostly new friends: as seat-fillers at unit meetings, as practice interview fodder, and every crooked director’s favorite, as last-minute recruits for women struggling to meet DIQ requirements.  Wise consultants would do better with the Conair Illumia mirror ($25.28 at amazon.com); it has all the features of the star prize, minus the wraiths.

Ready to show the world how outrageous you are?  You’re going to love the “Girlie-Girl Sleepover Set” – it includes a pink fur-trimmed sleeping bag that was lifted out of the “Bratz” movie prop closet and a black-and-pink foldable chair that really makes a statement: “Look for me on eBay in three months!”  Indeed, the “chair as prize” concept is a cruel joke, since women who are properly working their business will never assume a seated position.  No, not even to tinkle – remember, Mary Kay is watching!  Scratch the ruby aspirations and get a hot pink, fur-trimmed Coleman Sleeping Diva sleeping bag on Amazon.com for $21.99, then head over to Target.com for the $44.99 Big Bubba travel chair – not only is it black to match the new compacts, it’s got a footrest, too.  Flip this baby out at the next retreat, put up your open-toed shoes, and count how many different dirty looks you get for one hour!  If you hit 40 or over, you get entered into a drawing for our next star prize, which is…

3000 Diamond:  Because Corporate knows that inside every woman, there’s a roadie screaming to get out, Diamond level offers a “Stratocaster-style electric guitar in electrifying pink.”

Fender.com has an Eric Clapton Signature Stratocaster for $2,142.84.  You guys catch that?  You can get the REAL thing for about $800 less than Corporate’s asking for their Barbie banjo.  (Sorry, there’s no frilly fuchsia color option with the Clapton Strat – Slowhand would have a fit.)  But don’t lose hope, girlfriend!  If you’re determined to strum “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” on a Stratocaster-style guitar at your next success meeting, Magictails.com has a dead-on copy of the star prize going for $129.95.

The description for the Leather Drawstring Handbag is the pinnacle of prose!  Hark, what wordsmith pondered the craft for hours by dim candlelight, painstakingly poring over words worthy enough to herald the splendor of this cocoa-colored, Cantonese-crafted creation!  Silence – the writer puts his pencil to paper, the heavens render, and birth is given:

“The rich, brown color looks – well – rich.”

Boo-hiss!  Take a spin over to Lord & Taylor for the Elliot Lucca leather drawstring handbag; the $202.30 price tag is manageable, but it doesn’t come with a description that sounds like it was hastily scribbled on someone’s smoke break.

3600 Emerald:  FREE Registration for Career Conference 2008 – how nifty is that?  Note how the brochure reminds us that “Prize does not include reserved seating,” and yet right there on the page sits the model, her hand resting lightly on a chair bearing the words, “Reserved.”

Look closer – you can tell that she was against the photo shoot from the get-go; the forced smile, the indignant eyes, the brown shirt reminiscent of a German SA.  She’d managed to slip off the matching tie and the pink armband without the photographer noticing – it was her way of protest.  Once Corporate saw the finished copy, though, she knew it would mean another lunch hour of massaging Darrell’s feet.  Fortunately, the Rosemary Mint Soothing Foot Balm made the penance bearable.

4800 Pearl:  “Let the fun begin with this American Express® Prepaid Reward Card Worth $100.  The Mary Kay® logo makes the card extra special for Star Consultants.”

You know what would be really special? Not paying $4800 for a $100 gift card.  That, and going out to one’s backyard to find Daniel Craig emerging from the swimming pool, his little blue “Casino Royale” trunks stuffed with $50 bills.

Towel yourself off and come check out this topaz jewelry set.  But it’s not just any topaz jewelry set, mind you – this is a topaz-colored cubic zirconia necklace and matching earrings, because “a girl likes to have choices.”  Here’s a choice for you – bounce over to Macy’s and pick up their heart-shaped, 14k white gold pendant containing 2ct worth of real diamonds for $2,695.00.  That’s a bit more than half of the $4800 you’re prepared to “stretch” towards this quarter – talk about a reality check!

6000 Pearl:  This Pearl level offers a Toshiba 14″ TV/DVD Combo.  Circuitcity.com offers the same television for $159.99.  And for about $3800, you can pick up a Sony 70” Rear-Projection Grand Wega HDTV and still have $2200 left in the family coffers!  What do you mean, “I don’t need a TV that big?”  It’s not for you, silly – it’s for your husband and children to bond over while you spend time foraging for future team members!  Since most eating establishments will be closed by the time you’re done, head over to the forever-open Waffle House for some grub.

“Hi, Charise.  I’ll take an order of chunked and smothered hash browns.  By the way, I’m on a human scavenger hunt – can you take a moment to look over this list and see if you have any of these qualities?”

“How about, “Dog-tired waitress fixin’ to throw down on th’ Mary Kay lady?””

“Great!”

7800 Pearl:  It is at the lofty 7800 level that a director can finally hope to be compensated for her Director Suit (value $250).  Ladies, I’ll level with you; it is flat-out wrong that a woman has to pay for something that’s supposed to be an award.  The military provides its soldiers with a yearly clothing allowance, (without them having to spend thousands of dollars on ammunition, Kevlar, and other tools of war out of their own pockets), so would it kill Corporate to foot the clothing expense bill – no additional financial strings attached – for its directors?  By golly, I know I could get excited about that.

I might have to ask Santa for the Moonsus Business Tote/Cosmetics Case/Wallet Ensemble this Christmas (Amazon.com, $280.50, cosmetics case included.  Wallet sold separately for $125.00). Hey, I’m a firm believer in giving credit to where it’s due, and I was quite impressed with this tote.  Or maybe it’s because I’ve grown tired of carrying my laptop around in one of those big ol’ heavy brown bags from Panera with the twisted raffia handles.  Go ahead and laugh; I might look like I’ll ask you for spare change, but I dare you to stand next to me as I type – every keystroke releases a tiny whiff of Asiago cheese.  Let’s see your Fendi messenger bag do that to your HP, sister.

While the tote offered on Amazon and the one in the star prize brochure differ slightly in their details (could our star prize be last year’s model?) it’s essentially the same bag.  The best part is that you get to decide how much you spend on it!

9800 Pearl: “You deserve some bling-bling. And these 14-karat white gold Diamond and Amethyst Earrings will make you blink, blink.”  So be a star, charge that card, watch your credit sink, sink!  I would not buy this high-priced glam, I would not buy it, Sam-I-Am!

Instead of blowing what a third-world rice picker would earn over the course of seven reincarnations on product, here’s an option for chicks who want more flash for less cash!  Rubinstein Keightley Goldsmiths offers diamond and amethyst earrings for $1,126.37.  Crafted from 18k white gold, the earrings contain 3.61 CTW (carat total weight) of amethysts and .54 CTW of diamonds.  Compare that to the star prize, whose amethysts are 2.35 CTW and its diamonds .50 CTW.  Bonus:  The RKG earrings are designed so that the amethysts can be detached, leaving you with bright diamond hoops to wear!  Now this is what having choices is all about!

There you have it.  I truly hope that seeing these price comparisons in black-and-white has enabled you to make some educated choices of your own!  I’m hoping next quarter’s prizes will actually be worth the amount of inventory being purchased; examples include a trained Komodo Dragon (great for spicing up those recruiting interviews), an Aston-Martin DB9 encrusted with Faberge eggs (automatic car washes not recommended), and a private performance by Britney Spears (just keep the Iced Frappuccinos coming so you can warm-chat Brit-Brit later).

Until next time, be good to yourselves…and your credit!