Written by The Scribbler

You asked for it! Even though we’re wrapping up Mary Kay’s March 15, 2008 quarter, the star prizes for this go-around deserve a good grilling.

I‘ll be honest with you folks, these items lack the creativity and flamboyance of former quarters, like the Red Jacket Barbie Doll (comes with Tutti the Office Assistant and a box of extra product to pay her with) and the ceramic bust of Mary Kay Ash (wired with two red LED lights in the eyes to help “inspire” you to into sharing the opportunity; makes a swell night light, too!)

Fine print: All prizes not covered here. If I was unable to find an exact match for any given prize, quotes will be given based on items found with Google searches that used the item’s brand and/or description. Not valid in the Virgin Islands or Puerto Rico, you must be at least 18 to play. That’s why I’m hot-blooded, check it and see – I got a fever of a hundred-an’ three. And by the power vested in me, you may now kiss your credit goodbye; so let it be written, so let it be done.

1800 Sapphire: The closest match for the Kathy Van Zeeland designer sunglasses I was able to snag came from eBay. These glasses have the same features, except the specs on eBay sell for $1,780 cheaper. And they’re by Suzanne Somers, no less – so you, too, can wow the Jack Tripper in your life! Pop a side-pony in your peroxide-painted hair, slip on some hot pants, and try gliding into the kitchen on roller skates – I’m no marriage counselor, but if that doesn’t make your husband do a double-take, nothing will.

Note: if cheap sunglasses aren’t your forte, you can achieve the same heart-stopping effect by kissing your husband on his neck and huskily whispering, “I’m not going to unit meeting tonight because I have a special date planned for us – is there any reason why you can’t join me?” Have plenty of fun activities planned, such as Strip Anagrams:

“Here’s the last one for the win: Craft an anagram out of “Mary Kay Ash.”

How about, “A Shaky Army?”

“You, sir, have just earned yourself a red jacket.”

If you don’t mind an earlier model of the pink caddy replica, The Franklin Mint’s got a die-cast version of Elvis Presley’s 1955 Cadillac Fleetwood for $94.95 – it even comes with a replica of Elvis’s guitar! The Mary Kay version comes with buyer’s remorse and a brass plaque which reads, “Dream Big, Dream Bold, Drive On.”

It’s funny how they couldn’t use the word “dream” three times in this case, as the result would end up reading, “Dream Big, Dream Bold, Dream On.” That might hit too close to home for more than a few directors. “Dream on? Sure I’m dreaming on! I’m dreaming that I can afford to fly out to the luau-themed sleepover Gloria Mayfield-Banks is having in her garage this weekend. Hey Glo, does breakfast come with the price of admission? What’s that? “Dream on?” Roger that.

2400 Ruby: If you’re shooting for the faux crocodile train case, may I redirect your aim towards Sephora’s $110 version instead? It’s slightly larger, has four-tiers of fold-out trays, and comes with its own lock and key. That’ll ensure that Red Jacket McLacksclass doesn’t “borrow” your lip gloss again; you’ll never forget the sight of her picking her teeth with the application wand before casually sliding it back into the tube. Ever since that day, the words, “funky remix” have never meant the same for you.

Kathy Van Zeeland’s back again, this time with a designer handbag from the “Dream Weavers” Collection. Amazon.com had the same white, open-weave style bag going for $159.99. Bonus: someone left a review for it, and I quote: “This would be the ultimate handbag for the busy woman who is both a housewife who must carry extra items for the baby or for the office.” And by “extra items” we mean 40 Look Books, eight copies of Mary Kay’s autobiography, and an 8 X 10 glossy of Vladimir Putin.

Hey, someday a guy might require a personalized color appointment; you wouldn’t want to be caught off guard, would you? You never know when a Pride parade will pop up in your town – how would you feel if the Grand Marshal came to you the night before, desperately needing someone who could give him the makeover of his dreams, only to have them shattered because YOU weren’t prepared! So that’s why you practice color application on a picture of the President of the Russian Federation; because you’re hardcore.

Oh, who’re you kidding? You think Pooty-Poot’s one hot little bowl of borsch.

3000 Diamond: The Avia custom warm-up suit (the non-custom version can be found at tennis-apparel.com for $54.40) might look vaguely familiar to seasoned MKers; a pink version was offered back in 2004 and dubbed a “Tranquility Suit.” It’s a name that conjures up visions of dimly-lit dens dotted with NSDs clad in cheetah velour. The air is heavy with the scent of discontinued fragrances, the ear catches the rattle of ice cubes in plastic highballs filled with Coke. But it’s never just Coke, is it? Just like the time at Seminar when you needed something to chase down your Zoloft and you grabbed your director’s sports bottle by accident. You learned two things that day:

1. That Boone’s Farm tastes a lot different than Dasani.
2. That there’s a very good reason behind most of the smiles at Seminar.

3600 Emerald: The description for the Apple iPod shuffle ($49 at apple.com) reads like a slogan for a Hershey’s Kiss, a glue stick, or something several shades lewder: “Tiny package, big fun!”

I would pay at least fifty cents to get a peek into an NSD’s iPod. Aside from the usual playlists, I mean. Once one gets past the Aretha Franklin megamixes, the motivational tunes (The Theme from “Shaft,” anyone?) and the Carrie Underwood offerings (“I took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights, but Jesus, take the wheel!”) one can’t help but wonder if Dacia’s got some Ludacris going on while Allison LaMarr prefers the lilting melodies and deep lyricism of Weird Al Yankovich.

My daughter has a Backyardigans CD containing a song titled, “The Lady in Pink.” If any song should come pre-loaded onto those $3600 iPods, it should be this one, although I’d rename it “The Frontloader’s Anthem”:

Who’s the girl that’s got bad on her mind?
Who thinks evil thoughts with a smile and a wink?
Who’s the girl with the plan to mess up mankind?
ME – I’m the Lady in Pink!

4800 Pearl: Here we go with the strange practice of shelling out $4800 and receiving a $100 Prepaid American Express Reward Card in return. There’s a nifty credit card payoff calculator at money-zine.com that’s quite an enlightening tool. Let’s say that you have $4800 on your MK Visa. Let’s also say that your interest rate is 15.99 (The MK Visa has three levels depending on your credit history: 11.99% if your credit rating’s a Vestal Virgin to 20.99% if it’s the Harlot of Babylon.) You’re currently sending them a monthly payment of $235.00 and you’d like the puppy paid off within two years.

According to the calculator, you will reach your goal, but ONLY if there are no new charges put onto the card during those two years! What happens when you charge up an additional $100 a month? Your payment goes up to $336. Keeping that in mind, what happens when you charge up a director suit, a Seminar trip, or are encouraged to “stretch” to meet production? I love the smell of debt in the morning! Smells like…slavery!

The four-piece Wilton Armetale Metal Serveware Set (get the exact same set at theinternationalcupboard.com for $119) reminded me of something a wizard would keep in his china hutch. Ever seen Fellowship of the Ring? In the scene where Saruman has just been instructed by Sauron to build the Uruk-Hai army, check the background near the bookcase – does that silver bowl look familiar? It’s pure genius, really; one would expect a talisman of unadulterated evil to hold a more sinister form, such as a crystal skull or a pink caddy replica, but never salad tongs.

While it’s not clear what mystical powers are entrapped within each set, if you place a $15000 Resin star order by the close of next month, lucky consultants will earn the right to have the power sleeping within their sets ceremoniously awakened – you can’t afford not to attend! Please bring a hooded robe, a consecrated dagger, and a covered dish.

6000 Pearl: The 14k gold hoop earrings can be found pretty much anywhere for a lot less. JCPenney.com’s got them for $89.99, while the Zales version goes for $69.99. For 6k, though, you could have purchased thirty-four “Boca della Verita” wall sculptures from ToscanoDesign.com. The medieval legend behind this menacing-looking plaque is nothing short of interesting; if you stick your hand inside its mouth and it senses that you’re a lie-teller, the mouth will slam shut onto your hand. Hang ‘em all up inside your abode and you’ll ditch every recruiting script you know; otherwise you’ll end up like that one NSD in Sapphire Seminar – the one they jokingly call, “Shannon Six-Digits.” Except that there’s nothing funny about it when she tries to count to seven on her fingers and needs to remove one of her shoes to continue.

7800 Pearl: Sarah Connor better watch her back, because Mary Kay’s looking to further Borgify its consultants with the Plantronics Voyager Bluetooth Headset System ($299.99 at Radioshack.com). Now consultants never have to get off of the phone, thus resulting in more bookings, more recruiting coffees, and more chasing after awards that you have to continue winning in order to keep! Hint: they rhyme with “Mink Battleaxe.” I mean, come on – the New York Giants won the Super Bowl, but at least they don’t run the risk of losing the Vince Lombardi trophy each month if they don’t order enough product. And if the New York Giants are ordering product, they’re probably using Domain to keep the fungal growth in the sauna to a minimum and recasting the leftover cardboard boxes as tackling dummies.

9800 Pearl: Is the $350 Prepaid American Express Reward Card a must-have for you? See the credit calculator reference under the 4800 level. $9800 on the card @ 15.99% interest + $100 worth of additional charges each month + a current monthly payment of $581 = you giving the MK credit monkey the boot in 24 months. Celebrate your victory over Visa with an impromptu trip to the Salvation Army Family Thrift Store; you’ve waited long enough to splurge on that green glass candy dish with the spider carcass in it. Be sure to grab a few more secondhand goodies for your “On with the Show!” events as well; I recommend putting a picture of a woman with callipygian buttocks on your invitations along with the tagline, “I Just Can’t Wait to Show you the Junk in My Trunk!”

Our last prize is a set of Samsonite Silhouette 10 Luggage (about $558 for the set at luggagepros.com). Nothing says “sharp” than a set of olive-green luggage that looks like it was crafted from bumper car headrests. Just wait until those puppies have been molested by the TSA a few times – they’ll have rips, gouges, and grease smears just like the real bumper cars down at the boardwalk! Why, you’ll almost be able to smell the rich, smoky tang of Camels and urine as the carnie leans over to check your ride belt! “Yer shiny Mary Kay pin’s upside down, little star. Yew know, I shore could use me some pamperin’; wanna hook up behind the funnel cake trailer after I get off work?” Oh, stop grimacing. You’re not supposed to prejudge anyone, remember?

That does it for our star prize breakdown this quarter, friends – now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to give Strip Anagrams another go with the hubby; he’ll never figure out that “recruiting script” becomes “recurring tic spit!”