Written by The Scribbler

Sassy Senioritas, if there was ever a time to keep one tastefully-shadowed eyeball over your shoulder in careful vigilance, it’s now, because hard-charging Mary Kay Sales Directors have their Go-Give switches flipped to “Search and Destroy” mode, thanks to the Star Sales Director Program.

In a nutshell, the Star Sales Director Program rewards directors prizes and perks for 1. Being a star consultant themselves and 2. Bringing in and maintaining other star consultants, with divisions earmarked for specific amounts.  For example, 20-39 stars in a unit will score you more glittering Cracker Jack jewelry (to go with that crackerjack recruiting talk you have tattooed on your lower forearm), while acquiring 100 or more stars in a unit by year’s end will net you what I believe is the most fitting prize ever awarded for achieving such a feat.

So what are some of the premiums you can expect to obtain for “encouraging” women to become stars?  Take a look:

Sapphire Level:  20-39 TYE (total year end) unit star consultants – Sick of all the cheap bling that gets passed out in Mary Kay?  Maybe cheap technology is your bag, baby; if that’s the case, then the Samsung HD Conversion DVD player (BestBuy.com – $80) is for you.  If you were smart and passed on Seminar this year because funds were tight, you’ll enjoy viewing the “Seminar Highlights 2008” DVD from the comfort of your own home.  Just think, no having to stand at attention when the grainy image of Mary Kay Ash flickers onscreen, no sitting in hose and layers of sweaty taffeta for five hours while the roll is called up yonder, and best of all, you’ll get to see every gaudy gown in the house in more detail than you ever cared to witness.  The cheddar-colored frock NSD Mayfield-Banks wore to Seminar ‘08?   Viewed in 1080p, it looks good enough to eat, sister – see you at the Tostitos.

Ruby Level:  40-59 TYE unit star consultants:  Raging Rubies get the iPod Nano and iHome2GO Water-Resistant Speaker System ($149 and $49.95 respectively at apple.com).  This is a nifty little item, as you can attach both the Nano and the speaker system to your mountain bike handlebars and jam while you ride.  I used to do the same thing back in 1985, only replace “mountain” with “banana seat” and “iPod” with “Sears Brand SR-2100 Ghetto Blaster.”  Ever watch someone try to steer a bike with a clunky boom box hanging off one of the handlebars?  Perhaps the elegant way of the haiku will help weave the mental tapestry I’m striving to project:

Kart-driving Shriner

How funny to see you steer

Sloshed like a mutha

Diamond Level: 60-79 TYE unit star consultants:  Enjoy your favorite shows with the Samsung 32″ Flat Screen HDTV – but only if you’ve got five classes on the books by Friday, sluggard!  The brochure doesn’t give specifics, (taking a cue from the typical recruiting interview, no doubt) but Bestbuy.com gives our Samsung a price range of $700 to $1300.  While you’re there, don’t miss the reviewer who laments, “This TV does not have good bunny ears reception; the picture scrambles or fades in and out whenever a bird flies over. It may be fine for cable, but air reception stinks.”

Maybe I’m alone in my views, but if you’ve got a 32” HDTV with bunny ears sitting on top of it, I’m pretty sure science made it clear that crossing technologies like that was on par with playing God.  Trust me, I know; I once left my old VHS copy of “Mortal Kombat” on top of the butter churn by accident and ended up summoning Merlin.  He thought that my modern-day flush toilet was the result of “dark sorcery” and chose to discount such wisdom, which is why you don’t read of gleaming porcelain Kohlers scattered throughout King Arthur’s castle.  Hey, if you people are content to continue posting letters in the castle bucket, who am I to judge?

Emerald Level: 80-99 TYE unit star consultants: Need a much-needed break from warm-chatting women within your time zone?  Directors achieving Emerald level will receive “The Travel Reward Card,” which will enable you to choose a new section of the country to smother with sincere compliments!

After a bit o’ digging, I discovered the site where one can purchase The Travel Reward Card.  It’s always nice to be reassured that “…your price is never revealed to the recipient, ensuring a high perceived value.  Simply purchase a card at the level that is within your budget and only the packages that are in the level you purchased will be shown to the recipient.”

For some reason, that wording doesn’t do much to convince me that Corporate went with the top-of-the-line package options.  Personal speculation here, but if you’re hoping to be whisked away to Monte Carlo for a fabulous, all-inclusive fortnight, you better start chanting the affirmations for that pipe dream now.  But if you’re cool with getting something along the lines of a “Value in Vegas” bundle, you’re in like sin (city), hot stuff!  Will you indulge in the Saturday morning “Crullers and Criss Angel” brunch or douse yourself in debauchery at the Ring of Fire Lounge (featuring 99-cent curry bowls and a Bhangra-singing Elvis)?  Singh along now:  “Mama she done told me, papadum told me too…”

If you’d prefer to hang at home instead of watching smoke-ringed, long-in-the-tooth women flush their children’s inheritance down the beeping, flashing commode that is video poker, you’ll want the Aruba Patio Set!  It’s pictured poolside against a background of stately mansion pillars and French doors, meaning it’ll look fabulous on your NSD’s Rhode Island-sized deck, but not so much crammed onto the 8 X 8 cement pad adjoining your split-level.  If you’ve got the space for it, nab a similar set at Walmart.com in the $300-$1000 price range.  Trust me, that number only seems high until you learn that 99 sapphires in your unit + consistently beating off the advances of the multi-fanged Chargebackus Attackus = $178,200 in production.  Jinkies, Scoob – it really is all about her!

Pearl Level: 100 + TYE unit star consultants:  Here it is, friends, the most appropriate prize give for directors pulling down 100 or more stars:  the Whirlpool Front-Loading Washer and Dryer with ultra-capacity!  The prophetic (and quite frankly, hysterical) tie between achievement and prize is more unbelievable than an NSD announcing, “I just learned the other day that women all over the world somehow manage to serve God outside of Mary Kay – isn’t that wild?”

The Pearl level’s dishing out $2500 American Express Gift Cheques as well.  If you’ve managed to rake in over 100 star consultants, be good to yourself and splurge on Conscience 2.0, because I’m willing to bet 1.0 blew up the second you told your doe-eyed newbies, “Mary Kay Ash always said that you can’t open a store with a can of whipping cream and a pair of handcuffs!”  Oh come on, nearly everything in Bartlett’s has been attributed to the founder in fuchsia, so what’s one more formulated quote thrown atop the ash pile?  Get it?  Ash pile?  Is there any reason why you shouldn’t hire me instead of “comedian” Pauly Shore for your son’s Bar Mitzvah? Great!

Until next time, true believers; keep it real, keep it truthful, and for goodness sake, keep it off your credit card!