Written by Rachel

Last Halloween, my friend Lisa dressed as the perfect woman:

My Halloween costume featured: a biz suit jacket and pearls; fishnets, mini-skirt and stilettos; an apron; a feather duster (to clean and tickle!); a wooden spoon (to cook and spank!); a tank top that read “OK I’m Perfect Now Stop Staring” and of course a baby[doll] on each hip.

Her request for ideas about the costume generated a whole lot of great discussion about what makes the perfect woman, and, more interestingly, why so many of us feel compelled to achieve that idea of perfection.

Quoted from “Mouth”

But how will “we” [accept less] when everyone and everything around you says you’re a failure or broken for not trying to have it all? A woman who doesn’t want children? She clearly has “issues”. Choosing to focus on your family … society rewards you for choosing it. But sadly, it’s getting harder and harder to afford this option. …Try not feeling guilty when a choice you make about your personal well being involves taking something away from your child. … You’ve given life. How dare you put yourself above their needs?

We live in a world where not being perfect has consequences you will feel gravely and daily.
…

It’s not just the media. It’s our communities, our families, our partners, our co-workers/bosses – it’s everyone and everything. …It’s everywhere. And it’s really frakking hard to push it all aside and constantly believe you’re ok the way you are, making the choices that make sense for you. … it takes constant re-evaluation, constant reassurance, constant inner pep talks, etc. to keep feeling like you’re really ok NOT being all things to all people.

When I think about the standards we have for feminine perfection, I can’t help but think of the promises Mary Kay offered us:

• We could take care of the home and still have a big, successful career.
• We could stay home with our children, and plan work around our schedules.
• We could be givers (to the community), while earning the living we need to be strong, independent women.
• We could have time and incentive to be social and do girl stuff.
• And to boot, we’d get training and motivation to be pretty and feminine.

For those of us who’d like to be perfect (and let’s face it, who wants to be less than perfect?) these are some pretty compelling incentives. The problem is that those promises, in typical MLM fashion, fall under the category of too good to be true. We can’t be perfect. And we all know that, so when we start to get a little information about how the reality doesn’t quite mesh with the promises, we’re not too surprised or disturbed.The truth, about how far Mary Kay life truly strays from that dream, comes to us a little at a time, so that we hardly notice as it’s happening. So we hang on to this dream that we’re led to believe by so many influences around us… the idea we can have it all. If we just work hard enough, we’ll get past the hard part, and then we’ll be what everyone has always taught us a woman should be.

So when a Mary Kay SD tells us not to let go of the dream, it strikes a chord. The dream they’re really selling is one we may have harbored since girlhood — the dream of having it all; of being the perfect woman. And yes for us perfectionists, that dream was really frakking hard to give up.

Part of the answer, I think, is to change our ideas about what it means to be the perfect woman. It’s not easy, but we do need to understand that adopting other people’s unrealistic notions of perfection is hurtful, both to us, and to those who care about us. We need to understand that it’s okay to be a career woman, and not have children. Or to focus on our families, and be less ambitious with the careers. We need to be okay with it, that if we’re going to have a career and children, we may not be the PTA moms.

We heard some wisdom about this as well on the discussion I link to above:

Quoted from “Zeno”
The perfect woman is a person who is 100 at ease with who she is, whether a mother, careerist, a wife, or fashionista.

And the bestest, best, absolute favorite of mine is the person who said to me:

Quoted from “OpeningMinds”
And, IMHO, that’s what makes you a perfect woman. You’ve done what’s right for you, for your husband, for your family … with little regard to the societal expectations. And you’ve sacrificed and adapted, and you continue to be willing to do the same, without losing your sense of self and self-worth.

I wish I could say that everything she said about me was true. That whole “sense of self and self-worth” thing tends to come and go. But they both have a great point about what kind of perfection we should strive for. (Plus, I’m completely psyched that someone called me the perfect woman. Can you tell?)

So, PT’ers… what is your version of the perfect woman?